RECIPE: Holy Mole Chocolate Guac

So one day while Chef Batman and I were having a coffee chat, she says to me, "One thing I learned in Whole Foods (she was a chef there for several years) and sometimes make at home is chocolate avocado mousse."

Holy moley. She set me up like it was going to be some kind of insider kitchen secret, or a dry-charming life-changing revelation, and rightly so. I thought the world had opened up and I was going to Nirvana. I had to try this. Following her tip, I started to look for recipes on the Internet. Alas, I found only disappointment and Giada de Laurentiis (unorthodox food searches on the Internet often end this way).

Don't get me wrong, I love clever cooking. A challenge, a reinvention, a breath of fresh air, and yes, anything with avocado: I'm down with that. But clever for clever's sake gets on my nerves, and none of the chocolate-avocado mousse recipes I found were really chocolate avocado mousse. Instead, they were 'this looks like pudding but guess what THERE'S AVOCADO IN HERE aren't we cute and low-calorie chic'. No. You're a snob. Eat some damn pudding.

I wanted to make to make this mousse in a way that incorporated the avocado so it wasn't just a pretentious faux-pudding. Avocado can be an awesome dessert on its own (avocado bubble tea anyone?), it doesn't just have to be a protein supplement. And chocolate, as we know from authentic Mexican cooking, doesn't have to be dessert. So in the name of inverting the designated purposes of vegetables and chocolate alike, here is the gluten-free, dairy-free, really easy, really tasty, really rhyme-y...

HOLY MOLE CHOC-GUAC
Because who doesn't love desserts that can pass for Cancun spa facials?

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Ripe Avocados 
• 1/2c Honey

FOR THE 'MOLE'

• 3tbls Cocoa Powder
• 2tsp Instant Coffee
• 1tsp Cinnamon
• 1/2tsp Nutmeg
• 1/2tsp Allspice
• 1/2tsp Ground Clove

To start off, choose wisely your avocados. Three easy ways to know you've got a good avocado on your hands are:

1. Hold it. (You can definitely do this in the grocery store before you buy it. ) If it feels like holding a baseball, it's not ripe. If it disintegrates, it's too ripe. If it has just a little give but it's still firm, snatch that ish up. You can definitely do this in the grocery store before you buy it. 
2. On the narrow end there's a little nib; brush it with your thumb. If it comes off easy, it's ripe. The skin beneath it should be pale greeny-yellow, a lot like the avocado meat. If it's brown or purply, it's over ripe or rotting. You may feel some apprehension doing this in the grocery store, but it doesn't injure the avocado and maybe someone else will appreciate you doing the work for them. 
3. Scoop it. (You'll probably have to wait til you get back to the kitchen to do this.) Once you cut it open and start to scoop out the meat, your spoon should slide along the skin like butter. If the meat slips right out, it's perfect.

My avocados were just a little under ripe; the selection wasn't all too great, and I did pick up a third that could be used for a cannon ball. But since we're going to whip these into submission, a smidge under ripe is just fine. As for cutting: with the knife held length wise to the avocado, slice all the way to the pit. A little resistance is a good sign, but it should be pretty smooth. Turn the avocado until it's cut all the way around, separate the halves, and voila. With my under ripe 'cados, I had to scoop the pits out with a spoon. With a perfect avocado, if you tap the knife into the pit (using a little force, don't be a ninny) it will lift out on the blade and you'll feel like one fly cook.

Now. Down to chocolate.

Mix your dry ingredients in a little bowl. In another slightly less little bowl, break up your scooped-out avocados with a fork, then transfer the beautiful mash into your food processor (if you have an immersion blender or even a hand-held cake mixer, you could likely get away with that) and whir those babies around just to get them started. Pour your honey into the little well formed around the blades, then add your dry mole-spices. Process/blend/immerse until smooth and luxe and delicious.

Donezo. Boom-shacka-lacka.

If you wish to be fancy, top with a little whipped cream or chopped nuts (walnuts or pistachios would be tasty) or chocolate shavings. Serve immediately, or save in the fridge for two or three days (air-tight container, peeps), or eat it all out of the processor with a spoon. I'm not going to tell anyone. Cin Cin!